Darken Rahl Fails In A Somewhat Epic Fashion
by safa'at keruth
Summary: Takes place after Reckoning. Darken Rahl is out for revenge on the Seeker and wants the power of Orden back. Oneshot. Rated T for euphemisms for euphemisms and normal euphemisms. Edited somewhat; whether it's for better or worse you should decide.


… So it's decided. To amuse myself this summer afternoon, I will write a dumb parody. Yeah. Sounds fun.

Warning: Some character bashing and a lot (I think) of OOCness, don't criticize me for that. In case you couldn't tell by the category, this story was made to be slightly amusing.

Disclaimer: Wow, and some of you actually think I own LotS? Sad, sad…

Warning: Some SoT spoilers, cleverly hidden in jokes. (At least, I hope they're cleverly hidden.)

* * *

Richard had to say that he was still proud of himself. He had defeated Darken Rahl, the evil ruler of D'Hara who had tried to take over the world multiple times using three jeweled boxes. These were the boxes of Orden. Besides being rather pretty looking and valuable because of the gemstones on them, they had totally awesome powers that enabled the person who put the boxes together to gain dominance over everything in existence. **[cue annoying omniscient narrator]** Besides, the prettiness was only for show. The boxes were _supposed _to look all black and shadowish, but unfortunately the covers did not come off. I wonder why that happened . . . (cough cough) **[sounds of the narrator being thrown out of a window somewhere as the omniscient narrator part ends] **

Anyway, unfortunately for nice people who wanted to put the boxes together, the power of Orden also corrupted anyone who used it, much like Richard's brother Michael had been corrupted at the age of twelve by reading a large book with rather . . . um, _extensive_ language and many euphemisms that only adults were supposed to understand. Being in middle school, Michael had immediately asked some of his older friends what the euphemisms meant. When they told him, Michael had read the book all over again and understood all of the euphemisms and extensive language. And so began the corruption.

_Anyway_, Darken Rahl was corrupted already. Despite being rather good-looking and a powerful wizard, he was and adult (and therefore just as corrupt as Michael had been), surprisingly narcissistic because of his good looks, and had a huge ego that led him to believe that he was doing the entire world some good by becoming ultimate ruler and all that. That belief was, of course, incorrect because all bad guys think they're good and all good guys think they're good. In conclusion, everyone thinks they're good and that their intentions are totally noble and self-sacrificing. This leads to large wars that result in getting new rulers that all think they're good. In conclusion to that, wars are rather pointless. History repeats itself in a very general way.

_**Anyway**__,_ Darken Rahl thought he was the handsomest guy in the entire universe, and that was one of the reasons why he should be able to rule the world. This belief was not entirely true; he was handsome, but many women had given him a hard slap on the face/knee to the groin when he was younger and had lived in a peasant town to "man up" (as his father called it). These women apparently had nicer-looking boyfriends and had no time for a D'Haran weirdo who was supposed to have blond hair and blue eyes. Darken Rahl didn't notice all this because he was always busy hanging around with his girlfriend_**s**_ (emphasis on the "s") and buying himself new shirts that did not button so he could show off his abs.

_**ANYWAY**_, Darken Rahl was so corrupted that the power of Orden would have absolutely no effect on him. This was actually a very pathetic fact that showed much about the patheticness of the ruler of D'Hara, but Darken Rahl decided that he might as well become master of the Midlands and Westland as well as D'Hara because he had nothing to lose from using the power of Orden. Keeping this in mind, Darken Rahl also realized that his daddy was presently ruler of D'Hara. **[cue annoying omniscient narrator]** Wow, what a brilliant discovery! It only took him, like, twelve years to realize that. . . . **[end annoying omniscient narrator part]**

Darken Rahl wanted to rule D'Hara, the Midlands, Westland, and the Old World (cough cough) um . . . _everyone else_ at the same time. Also, as ruler of D'Hara, Darken Rahl would have ultimate power in that part of the world and could order random citizens around to help him become ultimate ruler of the universe and stuff. So Darken Rahl, being a smart, traitorous, corrupted, sadistic bastard, decided to kill his daddy who he loved so much. Daddy had taught him a lot, including how to use his totally awesome magical powers, how to yell at people so they automatically obeyed him, and how to freak out and start randomly firing people (meaning _killing people_) every time someone dropped a rose petal onto the floor of the crypt. Darken Rahl especially enjoyed the last part. As stated before, he was rather sadistic.

So Darken Rahl hatched an evil plan to kill his daddy. His plan took many hours to format, but it eventually boiled down to this extremely complicated arrangement: he and his best friend whose name was Demmin Nass DaPurvurt (but everyone called either _Demmin_,_ Nass_, or _Demmin Nass_) would hide in daddy's fish tank while his weapons master whose name was Bobby Samuel Jacob Mike William Keith Marcus Aidan Sucker Balddie Skitzofrenik Egremonté Junior (but everyone called him Egremont) yelled out loud in daddy's bedroom corridor that giant butterflies were attacking. While all of daddy's soldiers rushed out to fight the giant butterflies, Darken Rahl and Demmin Nass DaPurvurt would jump out of the tank and kill daddy.

Demmin Nass and Egremont were reluctant to carry out Darken Rahl's instructions, so Darken Rahl had to pay them. As payment, he took away Nass's dumb black-streaked blond hair and blue eyes and gave them to Egremont. He gave Egremont's baldness to Nass. Unfortunately during the transaction Egremont's new hairdo turned non-spiky and gray, and his eyes turned into a color that cannot be expressed in words (it was that pathetic). However, Egremont was so relieved to have hair and Nass was too busy laughing that they both agreed to Darken Rahl's terms.

Darken's plan worked perfectly except that Egremont accidentally yelled, "GIANT CACTUSES ARE ATTACKING!" instead. This only made the plan better, because everyone in hearing distance except Darken and Nass died of shock at the horrible threat that cacti posed to them and hearing Egremont's bad grammar. This gave Darken an excuse to laugh and mock Egremont again.

Anyway, once daddy was dead Darken was officially crowned ultimate ruler of D'Hara. Darken enjoyed his post for a few days, then decided to find the boxes of Orden as fast as he could so he could break the record for "fastest time to become ruler of the world" and get a nice shiny medal with his name on it. So Darken got a wizard named Giller who had used his super sucky powers to grow himself some hair and cut off his beard and turn evil to help him. Giller proved to be very useful, and within a few weeks Darken Rahl was able to yell at more people, get a tower so he could yell at Giller from a distance, make everyone scared of his mad magic skillz, hear the Seeker talk in his sleep, and stick some random needles into the Mother Confessor. **[Buy your own Giller today like Queen Milena did! Only $999.99!] **Unfortunately, while Giller was sticking the needles into the Mother Confessor, he triggered a creepy Confessor power thingy called the Con Dar. During the Con Dar, Giller got served by a girl when the Mother Confessor stuck his needles into him and Darken Rahl ran to the basement.

**Back to the present. . . .**

Darken Rahl was quite mad at the Seeker. He didn't like any random Westlander getting in the way of his plans for ultimate world dominance. So when the Seeker somehow managed to thwart Rahl yet again and kill him this time, Darken was all pissed and stuff in the underworld. So he decided to make a messed-up deal with the Keeper. In return for letting Darken come back to the world of the living as a ghost for a week, the Keeper would get to mock Darken for a year and twenty-seven and eight fifteenths days.

Personally, the Keeper himself was mad at Darken. The former master of D'Hara who constantly acted like a pouting little girl was very annoying since he kept singing "SOS" and "Upside Down" by the A*Teens. Hearing Darken's totally out of tune voice singing _darling_ in as good a soprano as he could manage was utter torture. Plus the Keeper had never been very fond of love songs. So the Keeper agreed to the deal.

Darken was all "Hahaha I will pwn my oldest enemy" for the next few days until he could get out of the underworld. At that point, he headed straight towards the Seeker's house in the Midlands. Actually, the Seeker was presently living in the Confessor's Palace with the Mother Confessor. Somehow they had found a way to . . . um, _be together_ (Darken smirked and showed his corrupted understanding of euphemisms, making the Keeper ((who was back in the underworld)) yell, "YOU SICK FREAK!" and give Darken the finger) without the Seeker getting confessed. Darken envied the Seeker for getting all the hot girls.

So by listening to the idiotically ignorant Seeker prattle on about his sister, Darken learned about Jennsen's location and how she had all three boxes of Orden. Apparently the Seeker wasn't able to use the power of Orden because he had interrupted their ritual by dying. Richard kept chatting innocently about how Jennsen was going to bring the boxes to the Confessor's Palace, where Zedd would place a spell on the room where they were kept so nobody would be able to get in. As Jennsen was pristinely ungifted, she was the keeper of the boxes. She would stay in Aydindril until they found someone else to be the keeper or until she had a child and that child was old enough to handle the responsibilities.

Darken Rahl almost giggled like a little girl at the information. Well, he actually _did_ giggle like a little girl, but he liked to think that he hadn't. . . . When Jennsen put the boxes in the room, he would come in and put them together! As a spirit, he was not affected by the old wizard's Additive Magic. Darken giggled some more.

In the meantime, Richard excused himself from the crowd of people eagerly wondering what would happen to the power of Orden and joined Kahlan. He pulled her aside into a private room somewhere in the Confessor's Palace. "Kahlan," he whispered urgently, pressing her against the wall so she couldn't move, "I felt something."

"What do you mean, Richard?" Kahlan frowned as she struggled halfheartedly against his strong grip. She had to get back to the people outside who were waiting for her to address them, the citizens of the Midlands. "We don't have time for all the _I have magic powers just like Zedd plus extra Subtractive stuff so ha we can both travel in a pool of silver liquid that makes us high_ nonsense. What _is_ that silver liquid anyway?"

"I felt something wrong! Someone is trying to attack us. And dear spirits, Kahlan, how many times do I have to tell you that the silvery drug liquid is called the . . . the . . . sliph? No, that's not right. . . . The slip? No, that's not right either. . . . The _**anachronistic**__antidisestablishmentarianism__**:**__a__**case**__study_? Yeah, that's it!"

Kahlan glanced around the room, as if searching for random assasins about to jump out of the window (well, actually they would probably jump _into_ the room _through_ the window, not commit suicide by jumping _out of_ the window). "Who's attacking us? I don't see anyone. Is it a stalker? And doesn't the _**anachronistic**__antidisestablishmentarianism__**:**__a__**case**__study_ thingy look like a woman? How do you explain that?"

"No, it's not a stalker! It's a spirit! And the _**anachronistic**__antidisestablishmentarianism__**:**__a__**case**__study_was a stripper/prostitute kind of person, so the wizards of the Great War were all, _hey let's make this pretty lady an__** anachronistic**__antidisestablishmentarianism__**:**__a__**case**__study just for the sake of it!_"

"But who's the spirit who wants to kill us?" Kahlan asked.

Richard shrugged. "Who else? Darken Rahl."

Kahlan's eyes widened. "Really?"

Richard nodded seriously. "No, it's all a big joke I organized with Darken Rahl, Zedd, Chase, and Serena the previous Mother Confessor who also confessed Zedd who happens to be alive! Just kidding. Because then if Serena were alive, Zedd would still be under confession, and that would totally mess up the plotlines for the next episodes not to mention the whole series that the entire television show was based on, which would probably end up with the author guy getting hate mail and the fact that Serena was never a part of the series in the first place -"

"We should ask Zedd about Rahl," Kahlan decided, pointedly ignoring Richard's rant about Serena and television, whatever that was supposed to be. There were times when she wondered whether Richard's headaches had fried his brain cells or something.

Richard agreed.

They found Zedd in the dining hall, busy consuming a huge bowl of spice soup and some biscuits. "Mmm?" he asked them, his mouth full.

Richard sat down. "Darken Rahl's ghost is trying to kill me and/or get the power of Orden."

Zedd's eye widened. **[cue annoying omniscient narrator]** _Why does he only have one eye? _**[end annoying omniscient narrotor part as the author yells at the narrator, "You idiot! The readers weren't supposed to notice! It's a **_**typo**_** for Christ's sake!"]** "Well, then," Zedd said, swallowing his mouthful of soup and biscuit and squinting at Richard and Kahlan through his one eye, "we will just have to think of a way to stop him. But before we do that, stop speaking in _and/or_'s, Richard. It is freakin' annoying."

"Fine," Richard said. He crossed his arms and pouted. "Be that way." Unfortunately, the general effect of his gesture was ruined when he accidentally stabbed himself in the arm with the Sword of Truth. "Owww!" The injury magically healed without anyone doing any magic.

"Richard," Kahlan groaned. "How many times must I tell you to put the sword in _pointy side down_?"

Zedd raised a finger that was coated with biscuit crumbs and some soup. "Now, now, children. Let me think until I finish this spice soup."

Richard and Kahlan waited for Zedd to finish his spice soup for a long time, as the bowl kept magically refilling itself with soup and biscuits each time it got close to being empty.

Exactly six days, fifteen hours, thirty-eight minutes, fifty-one seconds, and one millisecond later, Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Jennsen stood in the little room of the Confessor's Palace with the three boxes of Orden. Jennsen carefully placed them onto the stone pedestal in the middle of the room and retreated to Richard's side, her eyes wide with fear. Richard put an arm around her shoulders.

Exactly twenty-nine seconds later, a white shape zoomed through the walls of the palace and into the room. The shape assumed the form of Darken Rahl, except he had a weird hairdo: his long black hair had been tied into two braids that were festooned with hot pink ribbons. The braids piled on top of his head in a pathetic attempt to copy a popular hairdo (at least, popular to prostitutes, as Kahlan had demonstrated in _Hartland_), and the pathetic attempt was crowned with a sparkly pink bow at the top. He was also wearing a low-cut hot pink spaghetti strap shirt that read _Me is so girly!_ and demonstrated his utter lack of cleavage (thank god) and a frilly, hot pink skirt that came down to his knees. Pink leggings went under the skirt, and the entire image was completed with a pair of three-inch pink satin heels.

Richard, Kahlan, and Zedd somehow managed to keep their expressions somber, but Jennsen's mouth dropped open. Her blue eyes widened as they took in the figure of the former master of D'Hara, dressed like a girly little girl.

Rahl didn't seem to notice the staring. He was staring greedily at the boxes of Orden; in fact, his expression was so greedy that a strand of drool actually dropped out of his mouth. "Teehee!" he giggled. "I finally have all three boxes of Orden! Yeah!" He began to dance cha cha on the stone floor, and the image of the former master of D'Hara twisting his hips like a middle schooler made Jennsen start laughing silently. Even Richard and Kahlan couldn't contain their smiles. Zedd just stood there looking proud of himself.

Finally, Rahl started to get a stomachache from all the hip movement and walked up to the boxes. He stared at them, more drool dripping from his mouth, and grabbed one.

Jennsen winced and stopped laughing, horror showing on her features.

And Rahl's hand went straight through the box, his eyes widened in horror. He tried again with no success. Then he got mad. "UGH!" he shrieked in frustration, stamping his foot on the ground. He pouted for a few seconds, then began randomly swiping his hand through objects in an attempt to touch them. When that failed too, he put some of his extensive language to use.

The image of the former master of D'Hara dressed all in pink, cursing, and stamping his foot on the ground made Richard, Kahlan, Zedd, and Jennsen crack. They all collapsed laughing, which only made Rahl even madder. "Damn you!" he shrieked. Then the Keeper, who was getting steadily more annoyed at the cursing and the physically impossible euphemisms Darken was telling the Seeker, Mother Confessor, wizard of the First Order, and pristinely ungifted girl to do to themselves, decided that now was the time to start his year and twenty-seven and eight fifteenths days' worth of mocking.

Darken abruptly doubled over, choking on a rather large potato chip that had suddenly appeared in his esophagus. With the chip still stuck in his throat, he screamed, "*insert curse here*! *insert curse here*, peristalsis failed me! *insert curse here*! Damn you, smooth muscles!"

The Keeper then pulled Darken, still cursing and pouting, back into the underworld for a good mocking session and a round of _yo' mama_ jokes. The Keeper's promise to let Darken stay in the underworld for a full week was broken, but the Keeper of course didn't care about that. He was too busy mocking Darken. In the meantime, Jennsen (who had been videotaping the whole thing) stopped the video and sold it to the people of the Midlands for $3 a DVD. Now everyone in the Midlands owned a video that Jennsen entitled _Darken Rahl Gets Pwned_.

* * *

Well, I hope that was at least slightly amusing… for those of you who didn't understand the science, peristalsis is the contraction of smooth muscles in your digestive tract that helps move food.

Anyway… I wanted to write this; I've been thinking all along of what would happen if Rahl came back as a ghost and tried to use Orden but couldn't because... well, he was a ghost.\

Reviews are loved. :]

~safa'at keruth


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